Welcome to Michael's Article Collection

Fun Ideas For The Holidays

The holiday season is a great time to share some smiles and laughs! And holiday humor helps you develop a well-tuned humor radar.1. Have a humorous gift exchange at your holiday party. This works great if you have a healthy humor climate where people use humor in a positive way.2. Just before the holidays, encourage people to bring some of their favorite ethnic holiday treats to work or one o. . .

Balloon Animals

More then ever before, I have seen the rise in restaurants providing table side entertainment. While you wait to be seated, or for your meal to come, you can be entertained by a skilled magician or a fancy balloon animal. This is wonderful. It provides the restaurant with a bit more time to get everything ready, it helps pass the time for the customers and the performers usually gets a nice tip. . .

Your Holiday To-Don't List: Key to Surviving Obsessive Gi...

The gods don’t ask for human sacrifice anymore, do they? Then why do millions of women turn themselves into burnt offerings each winter?It hits about mid-November: Obsessive Giving Disorder. Turning ordinary women into Nurturing Ninjas. Hopped-up on hospitality hormones, they launch into a frenzy of baking, shopping, decorating, crocheting, hosting, serving, costuming, shopping, wrapping, pr. . .

Land of the Rising Gas

Few people stop to think much about it when they fart. Unless ithappens on a crowded elevator,then everyone thinks about it.You may not have pondered the fact that there are over 400different kinds of gas in one human fart, and Japanese of course areno exception. Japanese routinely let them rip to the tune of 80million litres of fart gas every day of the year. I haven`t evenincluded hot air bag. . .

The Perks of Global Warming

Marya Mannes once wrote, “The earth we abuse and the living things we kill will, in the end, take their revenge; for in exploiting their presence we are diminishing our future.” Obviously Ms. Mannes preferred the status quo - health, sanity, logic, blah, blah, blah. Why? Green House Roulette is so much more intriguing.In the country, weather affects everything. For five years Western South Dako. . .

How To Get Even With Starbucks!

I am not a patient man. Nor am I overly devious. So although I haven't personally experienced the following hijinx, I have watched a guy I know go through this ritual, several times. Plus, I hate Starbucks coffee. It's way too "acidy" and expensive for me. It's not that I'm a cheapskate, not by a longshot -- I just struggle with paying $3 bucks a cup for bad coffee. I'm much more of a "Dunk. . .

Should I Shop Online Or Offline? A Shoppers' Guide

I went shopping with my wife the other day, to a British city centre nearby. My ordeal lasted ten hours. During many idle moments, I compiled this rough guide for shoppers who are unsure whether to shop online or offline in future.I decided that shoppers SHOULD shop offline, at a nearby shopping centre, if they:* Enjoy getting up early, to drive through slow-moving traffic and secure cheap park. . .

The Food Pyramid

Just a few calories ago, the government revised the food pyramid. You can see it at http://www.mypyramid.gov/It has a snazzy new logo with a stick figure dashing up the Steps To a Healthier You on the side of the pyramid. It’s supposed to be in better tune with our complicated modern life, the latest Scientific Thought, and reflect a customized pyramid which better fits our lifestyle, not tha. . .

Bad Breath Terminology

We all know someone who has bad breath. Still, you may not be current on all the slang associated with this unfortunate condition. Not to worry, my friend. I am here to provide you with more than a few descriptive phrases to use when referring to recurring bad breath, also known as halitosis. This is not meant to be amusing, but rather meant to provide a public service to those who want to . . .

Double Peppermint Schnapps on the Rocks

Many years ago when I was young, attractive and a viable commodity on the dating market, I was employed as a bartender. Believe it or not, I actually went to "school" to learn this trade. I was living in Las Vegas at the time, and I decided to attend a local bartending academy (translated - you pay us and we'll get you a job as a bartender). Six years, 50,000 bottles of Bud Light and several. . .

Field Notes on Country Linguistics

As Suzy stammered, my ears perked up. For distraction I called out, “Hey Kathy, put on another pot of coffee.” Suzy spoke again. The fact is, gouging my own eyes out with a ketchup bottle would not have distracted me. A linguistic calamity was eminent.The hair on the back of my neck stood up, then it ran from the room. I knew where Suzy was headed. Her speech was like watching a car accident. I. . .

Country Lawn Maintenance - 10 Tips to Know Before You Mow

Practical survival skills should be fifty percent of what we study in school! Languishing twelve to sixteen years in the bowels of our education system should not leave American citizens unprepared to cope with perpetually running toilets. A burned out taillight should not knock our world off its axis. This chasm of neglected wisdom is not simply filled with the obvious auto and home maintenanc. . .

Opposite Attracts Laughter!

How do comedy writers come up with endless funny ideas? Basically they employ the technique called ASSOCIATION. They pair up or associate different images, words and thoughts together until they reach a hilarious result.The most popular and obvious form of association in comedy is INCONGRUITY; by pairing of opposites or contrasts. Like fat and thin, black and white, new and ancient and the list. . .

How To Write Funny Ideas

People are always curious as where do humorists get their wacky ideas all the time. Once awhile you may hit upon a funny line or silly joke, but to churn out an endless stream of funny ideas is no joke(no pun intended).So, where and how do the professional comedy writers do it? It's all up in the head and the deep secret is the thinking process. The combination of creativity and imagination is . . .

Cartoons, Comedians and Congressman

I have recently been re-examining the seemingly absurd notion of having comedians and cartoon characters filling in for the roles of our current politicians and statesman. After careful consideration- the notion may not be so absurd at all. As a former student of public administration at Ohio State University in the mid 1980s, I had offered the notion to one of my professors. She looked at . . .

Lose Your Job Now: 5 Tips to Get to Severance Heaven

You've schemed, you've scammed, you've plotted, but the elusive layoff has evaded you for the last time. Your desire to go to that spacious severance-package-in-the-sky needs to be fulfilled without further ado. How will you get upper management to see how pointless your position really is? Follow these five tips and soon you'll be packing your pictures.1. Work in customer service.Between vo. . .

Timothy Ward's Great Coloring Book Rebirth

I bought a coloring book yesterday from Wal-Mart. I hadn't colored in years and I got the strange urge to out of the blue. I also bought a 24-pack of Crayola crayons. The box says they are non-toxic which is a relief. I just wonder who sells the toxic crayons and how they compare in price to the crayons I bought. Some people may consider having a radioactive glow about them the same color as th. . .

Rural Relocation – Considerations and Adjustments

So you’re thinking about going country? It’s time to abandon the frenzy of city life, drop the ‘G’ from the end of your verbs and trade your Gucci for goats. You long to be in a place where business is done on a handshake, where your backyard is bountiful and where folks welcome you with warm apple pie and a smile. You want the simple life. Over 1.6 million people moved to rural communities dur. . .

Lizard Induced Schoolgirl Screams

Let me just make one thing clear before I proceed. I am generally an animal loving person. If a dog comes to my house and goes number one on the fence, fine no problem.Squirrels gather near the gate and perform acts sexual in nature, no big deal.But if there is one thing you do not do...It’s lunging in the general direction of my head from above with the intention to kill.This is exactly what a. . .

Watching the NFL versus the MLB

Imagine placing two flat screen plasma TV’s side by side in your living room smack dab in front of your couch. You’ve got beer, snacks a-plenty and fresh batteries in your clicker.One TV has an NFL game on and the other has a Major League Baseball game and they both start at the same time.Besides this being many sports fans’ idea of hog heaven and even better than clicking back and forth betwee. . .

Reminisce and Have Fun With Refrigerator Magnets

It can be confidently said that a vast majority of refrigerators here in America has at least two or more refrigerator magnets attached to them. Every single person I know has them, especially if there are kids in the household. Many special memories, achievements, notes, photos and other mementos have graced the refrigerator door and the refrigerator magnets are what keep them in place. All of. . .

Bashing the Opposite Sex

Way back in time, when men used to roam the earth with club in hand, women prayed that the man who knocked her out cold was "the one" - the caveman of her dreams.Sadly though, many a headache and broken dream was the only result, as the majority of men in the day were not at all that good of a catch by today’s standards. It seemed they only concerned themselves with fending off saber-toothed ti. . .

Special Delivery! Tips for Improving Your Humor

Delivering humorous speeches involves a lot more than simply having good material. Take some time to incorporate these tips into your presentations and watch the fun and laughter factors rise.In FunSigmund Freud wrote: "The most favorable condition for comic pleasure is a generally happy disposition in which one is in the mood for laughter."This concept is called "in fun." If you want your audi. . .

Easy Ways To Save Money & Abundance Revisited

A penny saved is a penny earned so they say. Today most people want to save all the pennies they can, in fact if you look after the pennies the "pounds" will look after themselves.Now I'm not saying you should be a cheapskate but if you go around wasting money you won't be able to say you are "Pennywise"Now a good example of how to save money is this. You might be down at the mall or Ice Skatin. . .

Cheer-Leadership or "All I need to know about business I ...

Thanks to teen movies, many people have this stereotypical idea of cheerleaders as being ditzy and mean. However, there are a great many life-lessons that can be learned during your time on the team that have surprising application in the business world.1. Getting to the top of the pyramid means taking a few risks. The person at the top of the pyramid is the one who is willing to take the risks. . .

It's Not My Fault....Whose Responsibility Is It Anyway?

It amazes me, how often during a week, I hear "It's not my fault, it's not my responsibility". It seems that in today's society no one wants to take responsibility for anything. Parents don't or won't take the responsibility of how their children turn out. It's the daycare's fault, the school's fault, the college's fault, the cop's fault, ... you get the picture. As far as children go today, ne. . .

12 Goofy Ways to Stay Safe and Healthy in Today's Hazardo...

Stop breathing ozone immediately. You know you can if you try. Do not strike matches near an open nuclear power plant. Do not rub either your scalp or your bosom with the latest scientific breakthrough. Never sit next to strangers in movie theaters, churches, or hot tubs. Never ride with a teenager wearing a Dukes of Hazzard T-shirt. Do not store feminine hygiene products in a microwave oven. A. . .

Going Bonkers With Baubles, Berries & Bells

Going Bonkers With Baubles, Berries & Bells --Or, Beware of BlackBerries, Cellphones and Laptops!--If state-of-the-art "wireless technology" has given birth to such tawdry taskmasters as BlackBerries, cellphones and laptops, the Universe has also seen to it that such man-made devices would come packaged with an invisible, immutable, and infernal operating system deity named, "Calamity, Chaos & . . .

I Live in a Hundred Years Old House!

“It’s been over a century now since the time the construction of this house was begun. There were so many people who lived here, many of them died here…. The walls of this house have seen so many things, and recorded them in a form you and I may never know. But record them, it has. And in some strange and inexplicable moments does this house convey fragments of the past to the inhabitants, in . . .

Hell Is Hot But It Isn't a Bad Place To Live

Let's face it Hell has gotten a bad wrap over the years. I mean, is it really all that bad to go to Hell? It’s not so much Hell that’s the problem. It’s the company that resides within confines of the Netherworld. Whether it's the Dark Lord or some of his evil little Dominions causing a ruckus, it’s the company not so much the place.Hell has fantastic scenery of glowing red that bounces off the. . .

Labels That Brink On Silliness

Many reckless lawsuits are pushing companies into using labels on their products that just seem silly. While labels should provide useful and relevant information like instructions, warnings and ingredients, sometimes the wording used on these labels seems a little off kilter. All too often labels serve no other purpose than to overstate the obvious. What happened to the days of relying on c. . .

8 Reasons Why You Should Email Me One Dollar

Paypal has made it possible to quickly and easily send money over the Internet. This allows us to pay for all kinds of purchases with a lot less hassle. It also will allow you, everyone who reads this article, to send me, Timothy Ward, $1.00. Being the cynics that you are, I know you're probably asking: "Why should I send you $1.00? I barely even know you. If I hadn't somehow stumbled onto this. . .

Warning: This Article Is A Waste Of Time

Today's topic, ladies and gentleman, is: Time. We're going to talk about time today because I never seem to have enough of it. And I figure that if I dedicate a whole column to the subject of time and stress some of it's finer points, then perhaps Father Time will show his appreciation by granting me a few extra hours each day. This will allow me to be able to complete a couple more important t. . .

You May Be In Love If ...

One of the most common human experiences that two or more (depending on how ambitious you are) people can share is love. But, it’s not always easy to tell if you are in “like”, “lust” or full blown, forever loving. With that in mind, I’ve created this list of signs that you may be crazy in love!1. If you’ve ever stared deeply into the eyes of your significant other for more than 10 seconds. . .

What Guys Really Want For Christmas!

Okay, ladies: listen up! I am here to tell you what men want for Christmas. It isn’t cologne and it isn’t some awful looking tie. Please! It could be NFL playoff tickets, but we know that prices for them are through the roof. Instead, us guys want stuff that is both useful and practical something we won’t pretend to like and hide away in our closets, but stuff that we will use all the time. I’v. . .

Welcome Aboard, Chief Justice Roberts

Hello, Mr. Roberts! Let me be the first to welcome you to your first full day here at your new job of Chief Justice of the Supreme Court! I know you'll enjoy working here as much as we do. I'm sure you're ready to get started, so let's get some basic hiring work out of the way and then we'll show you around.First of all we'll need you to fill out some paperwork. Let's see... Here we go... W. . .

The Gingerbread Nightmare

Do you ever see those beautiful gingerbread houses during the holiday seasons that are so beautiful? They look so simple, and look like such a fun project to do with the kids making gifts for grandma and grandpa. I could just feel it….soft Christmas music in the background, the warm, spicy smell of gingerbread filling the air, the cozy warmth of the fire on a snowy day, and my children and I bu. . .

How Time Flies When I Am In A Hurry

Have you ever noticed that when you are on vacation time goes by rapidly? According to my calculations (and I'm the first to admit I didn't do well in calculus), the average minute during vacation time is less than 20 seconds. This is one reason time goes by so quickly on vacation.The other reason, as everyone knows, is that during a vacation week there are no days beginning with the letter “T.. . .

“The Subconscious Diet” Can Help You Get Rid Of Negative ...

How could a diet possible help change a habit pattern that has been causing grief for years? It is because the Subconscious Diet: It’s not what you put in your mouth; it is what you put in your mind! looks at all the factors that cause weight gain or the failure to achieve any other goal. A diet is nothing more that a goal. Most excess weight is caused by bad habits, habits of Anger, Fear, Hate. . .

The Reptire

Our neighbors haven't built on their lot yet. I try to keep them informed with an occasional E mail or picture. A snake recently came from their lot to live on ours and terrorize me. Since they appreciate my updates so much, they have "decided to let me keep the snake."Here was my reply:Tina and Dave,I don't want you to worry. Just in case you happen by. The snake has me creeped out. I mean I k. . .

Anecdotes and the Sharp Wit of a Teacher Poet Thinker

Anecdotes and Wisdom, Wit, Humor, Satire, Quotes, Jokes of the late witty Orhan Seyfi AriFedai, Halkin Sesi -27 Dec. 92“… He always wore a smile...”In his articles little stories, jokes, humor, satire, made witty teacher thinker poet Orhan Ari’s [died 1992] points social, intellectual, political, spiritual, philosophical. Diplomatic communiques were like broadcasting live on the radio a match b. . .

A Young American Abroad

Somewhere on the Edge of Lake Trasimeno, Summer 2002Elliot ran along the muddy shoreline with his lanky body bouncing up and down as he pulled his feet from the mud. It was his first time in Italy and his excitement had gotten the best of him. The suction on his feet slowed him down, but he could still outrun Pam, who held his clothes up as she chased after him. He ran along the thin mud flat b. . .

Improv Comedy for Speakers

Public speaking. For some, the mere thought of getting up in front of a group of people and presenting a speech is more terrifying than heights, snakes, or even death. Imagine how terrified those people would be if they were asked to get in front of an audience and speak with nothing prepared in advance – no script, no speech, no nothing.Sound crazy? Well that is what Improvisational Comedians . . .

A Deep Look at Soap Operas

You have got to love soap operas. From the intricate plots and finely woven webs of deceit, to the depths of schemes, they were, are and always will be classics. They are timeless. I wrote this article as my take on them back in 1970 when filling white space for our high school paper. Watch a few soap operas for the next few days and see for yourself how closely they resemble soap operas 36 yea. . .

How To Name Your New Baby

One of the hundred million things new parents have to do is pick out a name for the baby, preferably before the child reaches his or her 18th birthday, if for no other reason than it is very difficult to register to vote when you are only known as “Baby Smith”.Picking a name is a little trickier and more important than you first think. You want your child to be successful and confident in the w. . .

The Worst Article Ever Written

Hi. My name is Karen. I’m writing this article to imrove my serp. What’s a serp? I mean my seo guy Dave told ,e to write an article. He said that then all these zines and websites would grab it then I’d have lots of lnks for my site then when people looked for my site then they’d find it. So I said, “What kind of cologne are you wearing?” so he says, “Obsession by Calvin klein.” I’m like, “He’s. . .

Death to Fleas

Summers here in Texas can be brutal! The intense heat, the humidity. Not a summer passes without hearing of at least one person collapsing from heat exhaustion. I am fortunate to possess what every Texan aspires to own: air conditioning. Now that might seem as mundane as, say owning an indoor toilet, but truth be told, there's still many people here in Texas today who do not have A/C. In fact, . . .

Crash Course on Wedding Crashing

What you're about to read is a 'labor of love'. Hours and hours of learning and research went into gaining this experience and compiling it in a form you can benefit from. This article was meant to be a useful, educational and instructive resource for anyone interested in this topic.Enjoy it - and let us know what you think. For most occasions, there are invitations. In every invitation, th. . .

The Article About Nothing

Hmmm, no ideas? So what? Ever thought of writing about….nothing? You know this is actually common nowadays. I don’t know how you feel but I am overwhelmed about the abundance of information that can be found everywhere.Everyone is writing about everything. The same subjects are written and rewritten and rewritten and I look and them and wonder how the hell is this supposed to help the modern ma. . .

A Strange Occurrence at the Passing Sun

Rounding the corner, I tripped on my shoe lace. As I bent down on one knee I looked straight out as my hands grabbed my laces and began their dance. A blinding flash, as the sun made a quick turn off a marble surface in the distance. Which happened to make my hands slip upon something they knew as well as my lungs know to breathe. I looked down to concentrate on what I was doing and finished th. . .